2005: The good, bad and the chicken

Lori Borgman

As another year draws to a close, I leaf through my file of news clippings accumulated during the past 12 months and see that the Year 2005 can best be described as, well, a half-inch thick.

Between the bold headlines about Hurricanes Katrina and Rita, devastating earthquakes, and the first democratic election in Iraq in 50 years, were a few smaller headlines worthy of a second look.

“Why?” you ask. Because they might help you exhale, cause you to smile, or simply shake your head and say, “Hey, my year wasn’t so bad after all.”

Cheerleaders in Ann Arbor, Mich. took a bite out of crime when they witnessed a hit-and-run accident and employed a sis-boom-ba strategy. Their coach shouted the license plate number to the girls who made a cheer out of it and kept repeating it until they could inform police. “Lock ‘em up, lock ‘em up, waaaay up!”

Andrew Fischer sold naming rights to his head on Ebay. SnoreStop paid Fischer $37,375 to display the company’s logo on his forehead for one month. SnoreStop CEO Christian de Rivel said Andrew “clearly has a head for business.”

The How to Lose a Girl in One Pizza tutorial was scripted by Brent Brown of New Castle County, Del. Brown robbed a pizza deliverywoman, then called her to apologize and ask her out. The 18-year-old deliverywoman declined the date and delivered Brown’s cell phone number to authorities. Police found the empty pizza box and receipt in Brown’s apartment, although Brown claimed he was innocent. Right. And he probably didn’t know how the cheese and pepperoni stains got on his shirt either.

Public schools in Hartford, Conn. attempted to strike a blow against incivility when officers imposed $103 fines on students who swore at classmates and teachers. Opponents of the plan said it was “*&^#@!% unfair to punish teenagers for simply being teenagers.

Across the pond in England, those with less stamina ruled that students would be allowed to swear at teachers as long as they held it to five f-words per lesson. If a class goes over the limit, they will be “spoken” to. Ouch. I bet that hurts.

The Wacky Warning Label Contest, conducted by Michigan Lawsuit Abuse Watch, gave first place honors to a label affixed to a toilet brush: ”Do not use for personal hygiene.” My personal favorite was a label on an electric blender: “Never remove food or other items from the blades while the product is operating.”

Madonna, formerly known as the Material Girl, warned the world that materialism leads straight to Hell. But, please, don’t let that stop you from buying her new CD, her new books and her cute little pink iPod.

The Runaway Bride (also known as Jennifer Wilbanks), who triggered a nationwide search when she quietly fled to Las Vegas days before her elaborate wedding, got her own action-figure doll called Vegas Baby. Word is the doll comes with long brown hair, pearly white teeth and cold feet.

The Profile in Courage Award goes to 76-year-old Pearl Fritts of Lincoln, Neb. Fritts was dropping off some recyclables after church one Sunday when a 17-year-old girl, intent on carjacking, slammed Fritts’ head into the recycling bin. Fritts whipped around, put up her dukes, and the teen ran. Ms. Fritts, your golden gloves should be arriving soon.

Finally, 2005 gave us the long-awaited answer to why the chicken crossed the road. Because it didn't realize it was a $54 offense.

One of Linc and Helena Moore’s chickens was ticketed for jaywalking in the rural mining community in Johannesburg, Calif. The chicken reportedly was ruffled but refused to spill its guts.

‘Tis the season to re-gift

Lori Borgman

What do you know? It turns out women do it, men do it, even etiquette mavens do it. They re-gift.

Re-gifting is when you give someone a gift that someone else gave to you.

Re-gifting may be the only trend in our lifetimes in which the husband and I are ahead of the curve.

When we were married, a friend of the family gave us a large, framed picture titled The Feast. To envision this work of art, picture medieval peasants crowded around a long banquet table. Some are sprawled in their chairs with their boots on the table, passed out cold. Others are two sheets to the wind, gnawing on mastodon bones, knocking over beer steins and grabbing at the voluptuous barmaids.

We were young, starting out, and not too bright. We were also invited to an open house for a sophisticated couple that was into goat cheese, artichoke leaves, designer shoes and 5,000-thread-count linens. So we gave them The Feast.

Word got back to us they suspected it was a re-gift.

“We should take that as a compliment,” I told the husband.

“Absolutely,” he said. “They expected something classier from us - something like those dogs playing poker.”

When my parents opened gifts after their golden wedding anniversary bash, I urged my mother not to open a gigantic box of Godiva chocolates.

“We've had our sugar quota for the century,” I said. “Why not pass those along to someone else?”

My mother paused briefly, considered my suggestion, and tore open the chocolates. Inside was one colossal chocolate blob oozing hazelnut praline. Whoever gave the Godivas had transported them in the trunk of their car. In August. That is what you call a re-gift near miss.

Despite potential hazards, people have been quietly re-gifting for years. Take fruitcake. Please. And don’t gift it back.

When potpourri was all the craze, we were so heavily endowed that I began sprinkling it in dresser drawers. The day the husband came home from work, pulled a cinnamon stick and dried apple out of his pocket and asked why I was making him smell like hot cider was the day I considered re-gifting our surplus potpourri.

The few times I have re-gifted, I’ve always felt a twinge of guilt. But we live in a world of excess, and re-gifting just keeps the merchandise moving. Waste not, want not.

The other problem is that once you start to re-gift, you begin wondering which of your gifts were re-gifts? And has a re-gift ever made the journey back to the original gifter? Did The Feast ever find a happy home? Did the Magi re-gift, or were those originals?

It eases my mind to know that Emily Post has given the nod of approval to re-gifting as long as it is done discreetly. This probably means not re-gifting used gifts, worn gifts and popcorn tins with the cheese flavored section half-empty. And, unless you want to sit alone at the next family reunion, do not pass a relative’s gift to another relative. Oh yes, you should also be careful to remove all gift cards, name tags and crinkled tissue paper in the gift bag.

When it comes to giving, the important thing is not the gift but the thought behind the gift. Well, that and not leaving a paper trail.

Lori's new humor book ," All Stressed Up and No Place to Go," is now available wherever books are sold.

Yes, Maureen Dowd, men are necessary

Lori Borgman

There are a lot of things I sometimes think I’d like to be, but a man is never one of them.

Talk about a group maligned, vilified and marginalized.

For the most part – abusers, perverts and slackers aside – most men are stand up guys. They work hard. They create, tinker, build, engineer and achieve. They take carping, criticizing and complaining on the chin, and rarely get the thanks they deserve.

And now comes New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd’s new book asking “Are Men Necessary?”

In the name of equality, I hope there will be a future release titled, “Is Maureen Dowd Necessary?”

Ms. Dowd needs $25.95 and 352 pages to answer the question as to whether men are necessary. This Mrs. needs no cash and will answer the question in fewer than 500 words.

Are men necessary?

Yes, absolutely, positively yes.

How do we need thee? Let me count the ways:

The primary reason we need men is because they are not women. (“Hallelujah Chorus” should be sung here.)

Not that the feminist movement didn’t try to make men into women. They gave it their best shot over the years, nudging boys to trade in their cowboy hats and chaps for dolls that wet and Suzy Homemaker ovens, and urging men to get in touch with their softer side, emote more frequently and turn from being brutes and oppressors.

Some men accepted the upbraiding without blinking. Others simply said, “Huh?” or “What channel is the game on?”

As feminism evolved, it split into two camps. Equity feminists focused on the need for equal pay and equal opportunity. Gender feminists (“A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle)” carved out the disposability of men and abortion rights as their hallowed ground. Today, gender feminists use words like herstory instead of history and make visits to the wymyns room.

Through sheer strength and frequent spikes of testosterone, men have managed to survive. And a lot of women are glad they did.

Men are necessary because men complement women.

Men protect.

Men provide.

Men take responsibility.

Men tend to be steady.

Men temper womens’ concerns for security and safety with a sense of adventure and risk.
Men teach boys what it means to be male.

Men and women together can accomplish what neither is able to accomplish alone.

Men tend to be direct and have simple needs; chief among these would be food, love and respect, though not necessarily in that order.

And ladies, this seems like a good place to mention Relationship Tip No. 37: Do not attempt to turn your man into your girlfriend. Do you seriously think shopping is going to be his thing?

Last year in our nation, 1.5 million babies were born out of wedlock. These children have no “man of the house,” no dad who wants to marry mom. Statistics say the overwhelming majority of these kids will be at risk for a variety of dangers and behaviors. In simple terms, life is going to whoop the stuffin’ right out of a great number of them.

Are men necessary? Very much so. It is a tragedy we have spent so long telling them they weren’t.

READERS RESPOND:

"As a mother of three boys, one of whom is bravely serving our country in Iraq, I thank you for your column in appreciation of men."
-Mrs. C.

"I am reminded of a story I have heard about Camile Paglia, a formerly rabid feminist. She tells how she used to view men as unnecessary until . . . her car broke down. And who came to tow it but a man. And who
fixed it but a man. Thank you for a really timely essay."
-Margaret C

"I was a kid in Boston watching the early feminists burning bras in a public square. . . As a teenager I listened as hip 1970's "social studies" teachers extolled the virtues of Ashley Montegru's "the Natural Superiority of Women", talk shows, movies etc all written by a seemingly endless stream of bitter gender feminists. . . As I grew into manhood I saw the subjugation of males take hold to the point that I was almost convinced all men are incompetent, inferior jerks. Everywhere on mainstream sitcoms or even in advertising for example - Turn on any commercial where two products are held up by a man and a woman and it's always the man with "Product B". . . Sidebar: the cumulative effect it is having on weaker minded young males is going to be a sad thing indeed. "
- Rich G

"It would appear that in the absence of some vast, patriarchal conspiracy to indict, Maureen is filling the void with her own frightening intellectual presence. I am now truly scared of "girls" (at least the ones with Dowd on their must-read list).
- David G.

"Thank You, as a father of two teenage boys, who are all male and proud of it, it is nice to see someone come to the defense of men. "
- Jim M.

"Hey, I thought your little praise of men thing was a load of sh**. But I'm sure the boys liked it."
-Marianna S.

"I just started the book, and from the first chapter and based on watching Ms Dowd's interviews, I think she appreciates men very much. Tim Russert just couldn't get the grin off his face during the interview. . . . Bottom line, there are good men and good women, and not all people are good. . . From her interviews, I got the impression Ms Dowd is just looking for one good man."
-Jeanne

"Thanks so much for Sunday's article, because it defends men, which is a turnaround from the way men have been put down in America by the feminist movement and the entertainment industry. I read the article to my husband and I think he also appreciated it--I sure did."
-Phyllis B.

"The words I read in your column today were long overdue! I feel that a lot of boys are lost today because they receive so many mixed messages from society. If I'm not mistaken, First Lady Laura Bush is trying to draw attention to this problem."
- Shelley

"Kudos for today's column. It will be on our refrigerator door in the morning for my better half to see, reminding her of the necessity of having someone like me around."
-Leroy V.

"Why do we have to continue to put forth dumb generalizations about the sexes. Men don't like to shop (my man LOVES to shop), men are the risk-takers and women are the nest-builders, men protect and provide and take responsibility. UGH! I mean seriously, what a load of saccharin crap! . . . The only point you have right is shrouded in ambiguity. Conception. Sex. But it's not that black and white. Women have for some time been accomplishing that with the help of a man, but not necessarily "together" with a man. Please open your eyes and your mind a little more." -John S.

"If you look around, society does make men look like bumbling idiots. Look at television commercials or evening shows and see how evident this is. There are a lot of men that my wife and I personally know and they do not take responsibility. But, I can tell you that there are more that do. It is unbelievable in my community in Franklin Township and our church St. Jude at how many good family men there are that volunteer their time and efforts to do good works. These guys are faith filled and step by step in stride with their families as the leaders."
- Mark J.

"Heaps of thanks for a great column! . . . we need to remind people whenever we have an opportunity, that we are facing a dire situation nationally with 1.5 million babies growing up without a dad. A bitter harvest to be reaped, with long-range consequences, for sure."
- Judy S.

"Three cheers for answering Maureen Dowd's question!!! . . . I understand one of her complaints is her conviction that men will not date smart women. She really jammed a ton of arrogance into that statement, didn't she?"
-Jim S.

"Great article, but add one more reason - the one why smart women marry engineers- they can fix anything around the house that breaks or won't work."
- Bill

"I cannot, for the life of me, understand how the people of our country cannot see how the absence of strong men in so many families has affected our society. Sons don't know how to become responsible and loving men, and daughters don't learn what they should expect from a boyfriend and/or husband. I thank the Lord every day for a husband who taught his sons how to be loving, caring husbands and fathers, both by example and by words. We never had daughters to nurture but we are getting our turn with granddaughters, and we have sons who are there to help teach them how a man should cherish his wife, making it easier for them to wisely choose a mate someday. I hate seeing commercials that portray men as bumbling idiots, and I make it a point not to purchase products that use that type of advertising."
-Anne M.

Well said! And let us not forget: Vive la difference!
-Chouette